It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
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Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Randomize