smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
