she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
