honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
