Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
