last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
