Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
