What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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