drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
