Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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