mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
