just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
