I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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