im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
