I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
