i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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