Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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