I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
