turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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