I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
