i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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