as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
