At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
