Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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