If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Even my vagina gasped.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
