Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
