Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
