sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
