i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
