I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
