i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
