There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
