chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
