Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
