she woke up with a sticky ear
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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