Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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