Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
