11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I cannot find my penis.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
