i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
