hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
