What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I see more hoeing in ur future
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