Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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