I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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