On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
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No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
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It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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