I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
