you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i want to fuck
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it's pretty self explanatory
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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