Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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