Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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