A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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