i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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