The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
