I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
