member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
