JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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