You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
