omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
