I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
