My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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